


Danny Died Sortings

by anxiety_and_all_its_subsequent_failings



Series: Danny Died AU [2]
Category: Danny Phantom
Genre: But should be fun, Character Study, Gen, Hogwarts House Sorting, I'm not sorry, It's rated because I have a potty mouth, Personality Breakdown, The Author is Back on Her Bullshit, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, This Is STUPID, i would apologize but, shit gets real, the inner machinations of my mind are an enigma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-02-22 15:13:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22565377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anxiety_and_all_its_subsequent_failings/pseuds/anxiety_and_all_its_subsequent_failings
Summary: This is that thing where the author forces everyone who knows about her AU read about her stupid-ass breakdowns of each character and how she sorts them in Hogwarts as opposed to doing anything productive in her life. There's lots of swearing, lots of useless tidbits that didn't make it into the main story, and copious amounts of my Bullshit™. It's pretty much what it says in the tags.Nothing but character study.So, if you know about Danny Died, great! If not, what the fuck are you doing here?
Series: Danny Died AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1623520
Comments: 19
Kudos: 86





	1. Daniel Walker/Danny Phantom

**Author's Note:**

> In which I sort Baby Danny as a Hufflepuff. 
> 
> He is soft, and does not deserve any of my nonsense.

**Daniel Walker/Danny Phantom - Hufflepuff**

Out of all the characters in this AU, I think Danny is the one who I changed the most in terms of base personality besides maybe Spectra.

In canon, I would characterize Danny as being a Gryffindor. Shocking, I know, but if we’re being honest, I was torn between placing him here or in Slytherin. Ultimately, I ran with Gryffindor because canon Danny is very much an advocate for what’s fair, for what’s _right_. Fuck the rules, he’s a protector; first, foremost, and always. Because of this, he sometimes charges headfirst into situations that he has absolutely _no idea_ how to get out of. He’s brash, bold, and even though he can be a self-absorbed little shit at times, his heart always finds its way back to the right place.

Baby Danny, my version, isn’t like that.

Canon Danny would have processed the systematic, scientific torture _much_ differently than my Danny. At age fourteen, our overall personalities – values, beliefs, ideation, etc. – are decently well-formed, and trauma affects these in a different manner because we are able to problem-solve and form more abstract perceptions about said trauma. My Danny is only _four_. A four-year-old child isn’t going to be able to come to terms with exactly what happened, or even begin to understand it on a logical level. This level of trauma is difficult to overcome at any age. Grown _adults_ sometimes can't process it or find a way to apply logic because sometimes there just _isn't_ any logic, and in certain ways, it would be more difficult for him to overcome had he been any older. Young children are resilient. However, Baby Danny is a soft-spoken, non-confrontational child. Anyone getting angry at him before the accident twisted his poor tummy in knots. And because he internalizes _every_ conflict in his life (afterlife), his mind came up with the only solution that it could at the stage of development it was in.

The whole ordeal was his fault.

Why did Mommy keep yelling? Because I didn't answer the question right. Why did Daddy keep hitting me? Because there was something bad that I did. Why do Mommy and Daddy not feed me? Because only good boys and girls get food, and I'm not a good boy anymore. There's no logic here. No rhyme, no reason. It's the horrific actions of a pair of deluded _monsters_ seen through the eyes of a small child. It's broken down into the simplest, easiest to process things it could understand. 

Baby Danny believes everything that happened - the drugs, the procedures, the starvation, the interrogation, _everything_ \- was all a result of him being a "bad boy."

Because he’s formed that solution, Baby Danny’s personality and the way he interacts with others is different from a normal four-year-old. There are certain sounds, smells, and colors that he absolutely rejects/freaks out over. The color pink is absolutely a no-go. Toys, food, drinks, clothes, it doesn't matter. It's pink, he's fucking out. Won't even look at it. The sound of timers or high-pitched beeping noises send him into one of two states. Either he panics and hyperventilates. Or he completely dissociates, and either Walker or Penelope have to coax him out of it. There is no in-between in this aspect. Speaking has been exceptionally difficult for him to re-learn because, holy fuck, being conditioned is horrible? In his mind, talking is _bad._ Asking questions? Nope, no, not happening, why would he do that? Asking _for_ something without being prompted? It took him _at least_ three weeks to work up the courage. There's no confidence in this child. He’s quiet, shy, hesitant to interact with new people, and clings tightly to those he (kind of) trusts. Abandonment and self-esteem issues abound. 

But if you break below the surface, if you’re patient and give him time to move at his own pace, Danny opens up just the sweetest, gentlest, most loving personality. He’s a ball of fucking sunshine. Even though he’s terrified of almost everything, Danny is one of those kids that always does his best to make sure others are happy. He’s the soft-spoken background support friend. Holding your hand if you feel upset, sharing a bite of his cookie (even though he’s pretty possessive of food), or even just sitting beside you. It’s the little things he enjoys.

Can you see where this is going?

Where Canon Danny is brash and outspoken, Baby Danny is introspective and quiet. Canon Danny would (and did) charge headfirst at an omnipotent ghost king with no fucking idea how to win, while Baby Danny would be the one to hand out cookies and milk to survivors in the aftermath. He’s loyal, diligent, supportive, and despite his occasional regression in language, intelligent. His powers are a source of contention for the future because Reasons. I'm sorry. That's all you get for now. Explanations will come in future chapters as the main story updates. 

Baby Danny is also very sensory. He likes soft, warm things and almost completely rejects hard, cold surfaces due to all that time spent strapped to an autopsy table. That quirk translates into day to day activities. Baby Danny sits in Penelope or Walker’s lap at the table because he can’t stand to sit in a wooden chair. He won’t wear denim because the fabric is too rough, too cold. Certain detergents or cleaners cause him to panic – too sterile, too close to the disinfectants used in the lab. Loud, sudden noises frighten him; however, he’s a big fan of singing and stories as the long as the volume is regulated. Spectra put on a _Simon & Garfunkel_ album (which Walker hated) and he didn’t move the whole fucking time because, holy shit, who were these mysterious singers? He? Loved them? Anything soft and kind of lilting will make him freeze and just listen. It’s the same thing with reading. Baby will literally sit without moving for _hours_ to listen to his Mama read him a book. Maybe not quite so long with his Papa because his voice can be kind of scary, but still.

Obviously, he fucking loves space. Not because of the adventure or the mystery concerning what might be out there but because it’s _beautiful_. It started when he saw a picture of a nebula and just hasn’t stopped. To him, space is something to be admired. He loves learning new things, and there’s just so much to learn about space! Nebulas, comets, asteroids, gas giants. How light travels, how colors change. Constellations are something he really gets into. Sometimes Walker and Spectra will take him out and let him trace patterns in the Ghost Zone sky – which does, in fact, have a few stars in certain areas – and name them. They’re usually silly names like “Little Spoon” or “Tiny Truck” but Danny _loves it_.

Food. Food is a Big Deal™ with Baby Danny. There is very little he won’t eat. However, he tends to gravitate towards sweet things. Pancakes, marshmallows, breads, fruits, cookies. You name it, he’s gonna try to inhale it. Which can be a problem because his body still hasn’t really overcome the whole starved-to-death thing. But the Danny Protection Squad (aka literally _everyone_ in the Walker family) take it all in stride. Mostly. Sometimes Johnny gets a bit freaked out, but that’s just him. Taylor, Ember, and Kitty fall in love pretty much the moment they meet him. Because, honestly, who wouldn't? Other than Bertrand.

Freaky, slimy fuck-face. . . 

There is a new rule one must follow in the Walker household: **Do Not Upset Danny**. This rule is sacred. It must not be broken. In the event that it is broken, one of two things may occur.

One - you will be killed immediately and painfully by one of Danny's siblings. Kitty is, in fact, included on this list. It will be quick. But painful. You will be double-dead. They will laugh over your disintegrating corpse and give the baby a hug. 

Two - you will be killed by Penelope and Walker. This will not be quick. This will be _incredibly_ painful. It will be absolutely the worst thing you ever experience in your afterlife, bar absolutely fucking nothing, and you will beg to go to Hell by the time they are through. 

You have been warned. DO NOT break the first rule. 

Overall, Baby Danny is the softest, sweetest little Hufflepuff you could ever be blessed enough to meet. Protect him. For the love of fucking _everything_ , protect this little cinnamon bun. Defend him with your minds, bodies, and souls. He is precious. And smol.

Protect. This. Hufflepuff. Baby.


	2. Jeremiah Walker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which I make Walker a Dad™ and a Gryffindor.
> 
> I'm decently certain none of you are surprised.

Where do I start with Jeremiah Walker?

I think I’ll start by saying this: he’s a Gryffindor. All the Gryffindor. SO MUCH GRYFFINDOR. Like, holy shit. Why, you might ask? Allow me to explain.

Walker was one of the most unique villains in the original series in that it wasn’t his overpowering presence that made him frightening. He wasn’t overtly powerful like Vlad; he wasn’t a horrifying look at what _could_ be like Dan; nor was he even just fucking insane and power-hungry like Freakshow. What made Walker so scary – to me, anyway – was that his position was automatically one of authority. You straightened your spine when he came on screen because he reminded you sharply of someone you already knew. But, like, in all the bad ways and none of the good ones. Walker always genuinely seemed to think he was in the right. He simultaneously tried to prove and assert his ideas about a correct world onto those around him, and you could either accept that or get _fucked up_.

In certain aspects, Jeremiah isn’t so different from his canon counterpart.

Jeremiah is not a thinker. He’s a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am cowboy of action, and he will punch you in the fucking _face_. Because that’s what he does. He doesn’t like talking, doesn’t like diplomacy. He wants to get shit done and be through with it. Good God, the man was a Marine, what do you want from him?! That being said, Jeremiah is not _stupid_. Not by a long shot. He’s impulsive and prone to violence, yes (canon Walker, anyone?) but he has enough of a strategic mind to know when to stop and assess a situation before taking action. Strategy? That's his shit. Perps get _wrecked_ because they expect him to be the big, dumb cowboy/cop stereotype eating donuts. What do they get? 

A steel-toed boot of justice directly to the face because they didn't even bother to cover their tracks or think Walker would know about their friends/aliases. Which he does. Because that's his job, knowing what nobody else wants him to because how _dare_ you break the rules, you sorry fool?!

Which leads me to my next point. Let’s focus on another Very Important™ aspect of his character: The Rules.

Now, you might be asking “But, author, Gryffindors don’t follow rules? What on Earth are you prattling about, you sad, depressed noodle?!”

The answer is deceptively simple; Walker’s Rules, in my universe anyway, are all guidelines to help establish some peace and order in a dimension that is literal chaos. They're essentially written morals. Right and wrong. Black and white. A list of actions that call for consequences. You get the flow? 

As a military man and law-enforcement officer, Jeremiah craves order. Everything in its place and a place for everything. Because of this, he establishes a set of rules in order to achieve this. He wants discipline. He wants safety. He wants the ghosts to learn how to get a fucking grip and stop swearing, holy shit. Pretty sure he’d beat my ass if we were to meet in real life, let me tell you. Everything about Jeremiah Walker just screams that self-imposed, self-deprecating military discipline that oozes out of every veteran I have ever met. The only not-very-military thing about Jeremiah is that he doesn't swear. Which seems _incredibly_ difficult for someone like me, who swears every five seconds because anxiety compels me to release my energy without breaking everything. But he doesn't swear because he thinks it's lazy and unprofessional. You are an intelligent person with independent, unique thoughts and emotions, and in Jeremiah's mind, that means you can express them without resorting to foul language. Which is a _boring_ fucking rule. But still a rule.

You also might be saying, “But, author, don’t _Slytherins_ impose their own sets of rules instead of Gryffindors?” And you would be absolutely correct. By in large, Slytherins tend to reject the rules of those around them when it suits but impose their own set of rules internally.

However, there’s one crucial detail about Jeremiah that you guys need to know.

Jeremiah Walker’s rules go out the fucking window if he thinks you’re a true, genuine threat.

There’s no logic. There’s no discipline. He will lock you up and throw away the key for something that makes _literally no sense_ if there’s even a smidgen of evidence you could be a danger to others. It’s that simple. Jeremiah doesn’t fuck around with someone who he deems either unstable or a viable threat. Now, he might not immediately kill that threat (pointedly glares at Skulker in the background) but he will absolutely bury it. Jeremiah is also not afraid to throw hands. He fought in the trenches, bitch, you don’t mean anything. He will protect those he loves at any cost. Even if that means beating the fuck out of someone and leaving his rules in the dust.

Like I said, Gryffindor.

Despite his rigid moral code and gruff demeanor, Jeremiah is actually really soft when you get to know him. If you manage to get past the seven-million-odd lairs of two-word sentences and not-so-veiled threats, the man has a heart of gold. When he loves something, it’s with every single inch of himself; mind, body, and soul. Friends, family, children, it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t show it with big affectionate gestures, though. Those aren’t his style. Instead, it’s the little things – knowing your favorite food, a one-armed hug, gruff inside-jokes no one else understands. Stuff like that.

With his kids, affection is a little different. Each kid is unique, so the way he demonstrates he’s got their back is unique, too. With Johnny, Jeremiah is gruff but firm, giving advice and solid claps on the shoulder and digging him out of the bullshit he sometimes (frequently) gets into. Towards Ember – who is a fucking _princess_ , let me tell you – he’s pretty much exasperated 24/7. He gripes about her mouth and her music and her wardrobe and her boyfriend. But may God have mercy on your pathetic soul if he catches wind of you saying bad things about her. That’s his princess to complain about, not yours, so kindly get in this cell for the next thousand years, ‘kay thanks. Taylor is a stubborn pain in the _ass_ and Jeremiah will tell you that outright, but he’s also the little guy’s biggest defender. It’s all about comfort blankets and tight hugs and good talks with this one. Followed by the occasional solid thrashing because it’s Youngblood.

And then there’s Danny. With Danny, he’s soft. _Soft_ , I tell you. Big hugs, story time, playing cars on the rug. Danny wants to ride on his shoulders? That baby will be the tallest kid, and Walker will fight you over it. Spectra once caught them napping on the floor after making a pillow fort and hasn’t stopped teasing him about it since. Christ’s sake, the man makes trains out of pancake batter for the kid. He’s a perfectly toasted marshmallow – crunchy outside but gooey and warm on the inside. 

This is a man who loves making things. This is a man who loves _building_ , regardless of what it is. Shelves, bunk-beds, wards, a kid's self-esteem? Jeremiah Walker is _on_ that shit. He has nightmares about the things and people he's torn down, the places and lives he's destroyed. Which we will touch on later. But suffice it to say, everything in his world revolves around two things: his family and justice. Family is always first. Always. 

Some perp once tried to tell Walker that Ember wasn't his daughter, that he flirt and do whatever he wanted with "the little punk-whore". 

Subsequently, Walker shattered every tooth/bone in his face and the ghost is _still_ in solitary confinement. It's been forty years. But Walker will NOT chill, fuck you very much.

Protect this PTSD-riddled, perfectly roasted, gooey tsundere Gryffindor dad, too. Just be careful about it.

He’ll kick your ass if he thinks you're trying to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me a comment with your own thoughts on each character! Did I Sort the way you expected?
> 
> Do you still want to punch me in the teeth?!
> 
> I haven't slept in two days, don't @ me.


	3. Penelope Spectra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which Penelope Spectra is a Slytherin. 
> 
> Again, no one is surprised.

Holy shit, this bitch was terrifying in canon. But also very intriguing. Like, what exactly pushes a person to be _that fucking awful_? Spectra could have been the single largest threat in Danny’s young life if she’d been given room to breathe and grow. A ghost who not only feeds off misery but had the intelligence, cunning, and sheer fucking _balls_ to manipulate emotions the way she did? Brilliant. Beautiful. Superb. Fucking, just, horrific. I’m cheering from behind three solid ectoranium doors.

All that said, this Penelope is pretty much a super, _super_ mellowed version of canon. Okay, maybe not double-super in certain aspects, but in others? Oh definitely.

If any of you have any doubts as to whether or not she’s a Slytherin, I’mma stop you right there. She’s a Slytherin. Fully, to the bone, there is no denying it.

Penelope is the Slytherin who could either be your best friend or your absolute worst enemy, and there is no in between. There’s no such thing as lukewarm feelings with her. She categorizes people into four basic groups: Love, Manipulate, Disdain, and Obliterate. If you fall into Love, congratulations! You’ve won the fucking lottery because there are, like, three whole people in the universe who exist here. She will protect you at all costs, defend you with her afterlife, and a bitch will end up double-dead if they even vaguely threaten you. Manipulate is exactly what it seems. You are stupid, she wants something, that’s all you’re good for. Disdain is kind of where Johnny falls. You’re too stupid for her full attention but not stupid enough for her to gain something from you, so essentially fuck off. Obliterate is reserved for people who piss her off. Genuinely piss her off. This is a place you do not want to be. Because she is a woman of action and will not hesitate to destroy you.

Perhaps one of Penelope’s most Slytherin qualities is her intense need for external validation. She’s intelligent, cunning, and ruthless, but she needs _you_ to tell her that, please and fuck you. Not that she’d ever ask for it. But you’d better do it. Part of this is due to her extended time under Bertrand’s thumb. He is a Nasty Motherfucker and did not help this aspect of her personality. She’s been abused physically and emotionally by someone just as capable of twisting people around their finger as she is. It’s a trippy fucking situation. There aren't a whole lot of people who know her backstory. 

Sadly, you will not part of that population either until _much_ later in Danny Died. 

Hardy Mcfuckin' Har, author. 

Penelope is also one of those super intelligent people who swears all the time. Just. . . always. She doesn’t give a shit whether or not you disapprove, Karen, go fuck yourself. It’s her mouth, her self-expression, she’ll do what she fucking well pleases. That being said, Penelope tends to be pretty careful to watch her mouth around Danny. Mostly – sometimes it just can’t be helped. He’s small and impressionable, and she _does_ have a degree in clinical psychiatry, so she knows how young children can mimic the adults around them. She's also careful to manage tone and facial expression when addressing Danny or other kids. They pick up on signals much faster than adults give them credit for, and Penelope knows this. So even when Danny (or Taylor, later on) is being scolded, she's careful to explain _why_ and wait until she's calmed down to address the issue. 

I think one of the biggest differences between canon and here is that Penelope actually kind of, sort of likes kids? Teenagers are still a no-go; they’re obnoxious, angsty, and she wants to punch most of them in the fucking teeth. But kids under about age eleven are pretty okay. Not that she’ll tell you that. Ever. And if you figure it out, you’d better watch your food like a hawk because it’ll be poisoned at some point. It's the same kind of situation if you hurt a kid, even a teenager. She catches you, you're dead, son. That's it. Game over. She'll chew you up, spit you out, and pick what's left of your intestines out of her teeth with your spine. It's the first thing that Walker notices that's positive about her personality, and he tries to keep it in mind when she's being a little shit. 

As a rule, Penelope's sense of morality tends to be very fluid. Like, you'd better not abuse a kid, but if you want to emotionally destroy an adult that's okay. She still feeds off negative emotions to maintain her physical form; however, she's not nearly as dependent on this skill as in canon. She won't age within hours of consuming misery. But she will begin to degrade after a couple of days, a week tops. That means her definition of right and wrong are just absolutely skewed in her favor. It's wrong for someone _else_ to make this acquaintance cry. But if _I_ need a good meal, then this bitch had better watch out, 'cause I came out to attack and you can guarantee I'mma have a good time. 

Because Penelope is such a Slytherin, her roasting skills are on _point_. One does not simply enter an insult war with Penelope Spectra because you won’t have skin or tears left to cry by the time she’s done. That being said, she’s a debate queen, too. It makes life with Walker a little difficult. Because, no, fuck you, that’s not how the universe at large works you giant damn cowboy. Showing affection (to anyone but Danny and _maybe_ Taylor or sometimes Walker) is really hard for her. Penelope shows you she accepts your presence with backhanded compliments and vicious, ruthless teasing. Maybe a jab on the shoulder if you’re lucky. Weirdly enough, though, she’s cuddly. Like, really cuddly. If she’s sleeping and you come close enough, she’ll glom all over you like an ectoplasmic heat-seeking missile.

It’s part of the reason she and Danny are such pals.

Penelope is very guarded about things that she enjoys after living with Bertrand/Calder/Creepfuck for so long. But after a bit of time, you’ll start to kind of figure out what she’s all about. Reading is a big deal – fantasy, true crime, thrillers, bad romances. You name it, she’s read it. Music is also a pretty big thing with her. Surprisingly, Penelope's tastes range all over the spectrum. Anything from _T. Rex_ to _The Rolling Stones_ to _Nirvana_ or even _Toby Keith_. Lyrical songs tend to attract her eye more than a banger. The only thing she won't really listen to is rap because she thinks it's mostly generic trash. She’s a picky eater, but anything sweet is an automatic win, just like her son. Who is her favorite person in the universe at large, Zone or real-world.

Anything Danny wants to do, she’s all over it. You wanna play cars? We’ll make a racetrack in the living room floor that takes thirty years to clean up. You wanna read stories? I’ll go until my throat’s raw. You want to watch the stars? We’ll sit until I can’t feel my fingers. She’s a lot like Walker in that if she loves someone, it’s _intense_. Every inch of her loves that person, and she will absolutely _wreck you_ if you threaten them. The first week of living with her, Walker quickly realized that – while she dresses like a Bad Bitch outside lair-bounds – she dresses for comfort inside. Baggy pants, ancient tees and tanks. Sweater paws? Amazing. Some days she just doesn’t dress in people-clothes at all. Pajama parties are the best. Johnny likes to call the style hobo-chic. She punched him in the dick for that, then laughed for like a solid ten minutes when no one could hear her. 

Walker and Penelope have a strange, amorphous love-hate kind of relationship. They argue like a couple of old hens; constantly and at a volume just barely acceptable in a house where Danny lives. But at the same time, they’ve grown pretty protective over one another? Walker might complain and call Penelope a foul-mouthed, self-important witch, but _you_ are not allowed to. Hit her? He’ll wreck your shit. And Penelope might think Walker is a rigid, humorless jackass, but no one else is allowed to. Bad Things will happen if you do. And they’ll argue for actual hours, pretending to be angry at each other, but then they’ll turn around and take a nap together? It’s confusing as hell, and none of the older kids know what to do with it. Except Kitty, who just grins and laughs at how stupid the others are. 

You’ll see this progress as time goes on.

Overall, Penelope Spectra is a Slytherin. But she’s probably the least-chill, protective, secretly soft Slytherin you could hope to meet. And it's been an actual privilege getting to write her for all of you. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment! Thoughts, additions, headcanons, fan-art, everything is welcome concerned about the Danny Died AU.


	4. Jasmine Fenton

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jazz is a soft bean. 
> 
> Also a Ravenclaw. 
> 
> I will, eventually, give you a twist of a character.

This poor child needs help and it’s all my fault, I’m so sorry.

Jazz was always one of those characters in canon that I just didn’t really have strong feelings about. I connected to her in the fact that she was very much an older sister, just like me, but other than that she didn’t seem. . .interesting to me. She was annoyingly self-assured, couldn’t read social cues very well, and highly intelligent. But at the same time, it just kind of fell flat. As I got older, Jazz became a more interesting and well-rounded character. But as a kid, I was just like “meh” and left it at that.

Baby Jazz is my interpretation on a younger version of the canon character with a twist.

Now, you can all probably guess that she’s a Ravenclaw. If you did not consider her a Ravenclaw, I’d injure myself, because that means I’ve failed as an author somewhere down the line. Baby Jazz is an analytical person, especially for a six-year-old. Her logic is a bit skewed at this point because of her age; however, she thinks things through before taking a course of action. She loves _learning_. Knowledge is something that her parents both value, yes, but Jazz thinks of knowledge more for the beauty of it than the actual application or use of that knowledge. It’s difficult to explain.

People like Spectra or Vlad think of information as being valuable for the leverage that it gives them. The edge on those around them. If they know something, they can use it, and then they can beat the shit out of someone with it. Jazz, on the other hand, thinks that the process of learning things is something beautiful in of itself. She likes knowing how the planets move because then she and Danny can take pictures to hang on the wall. She likes knowing a caterpillar’s life cycle so she can know when a butterfly will emerge and start pollinating flowers. She likes knowing how to read because then she can read Danny a bedtime story. Kid’s a fuckin’ nerd but in the softest, sweetest way possible.

Certain things give her trouble, however. In this AU, Jazz has dyscalculia, which is essentially dyslexia but with numbers. I had a friend growing up with this condition, and he described it as being able to look at numbers in an equation but having them swim around like fish in his head. They flopped all over the place and made it impossible for him to figure out which one was greater or lesser. I translated this into Jazz as much as I could because she reminded me a lot of my friend. He was one of the most intelligent people I knew, but he couldn’t tell if 33 was greater than 65 until the second grade. I wanted to show that having a learning disability doesn’t mean you’re dumb, and that just because you’re intelligent doesn’t mean that you won’t have issues in school, academic or otherwise.

Baby Jazz is also much less self-assured than her canon counterpart. Part of that is due to her age. Being that young and that smart is _hard_. Her mind just doesn’t work on the same level as her peers. She doesn’t think like them. Because of that, she just can’t wrap her mind around some of the games they play or the things they find funny. Her language can sound stilted or pretentious to others her own age. That lead to this thing called “kids are little shitheads and will absolutely fucking wreck someone who isn’t like them” and, abracadabra, poor Baby Jazz has no friends. Except for Dash because in this house we _love_ and _protect_ that soft little bean.

Even though Baby Jazz is much less in-your-face and outgoing than canon, she’s definitely the big sister. She _adores_ Danny. He’s the one person in her life that actually looks up to her, that doesn’t think she’s too smart or too strange or too scared. Because Jack and Maddie aren’t always the, um, most attentive parents on the planet, Jazz takes it upon herself to make sure that Danny has the best life possible. She knows all his favorite foods, favorite colors, and friends at preschool. She walks him to the bus stop and holds his hands when Mommy and Daddy can’t (i.e. forget to) take them. She knows his allergies and dislikes. Like, peanuts make him itch and anything with wool in it is absolutely a no-go because he gets blisters. Jazz also reads to him, talks to him, plays games. She’s just the softest, sweetest big sister ever, and losing Danny just. . . it hasn’t been going well. Not just because Maddie and Jack are fucking assholes, either. She self-punishes. It’s _her fault_ Danny’s gone because she wasn’t fast enough to stop him. She wasn’t paying close enough attention. She was too scared when the screaming kept going. It’s a load of bullshit. But Baby Jazz doesn’t know that. So she internalizes and shuts everything down, tries to focus on the things she likes, even though those really aren’t the same either. 

Besides reading, Baby Jazz loves art most of all. She loves coloring with her pencils, crayons, markers. She loves painting. She loves making things. Jazz is mistrustful (thanks Maddie) and analytical, but art is her escape-route. It’s where she can go to release everything in one giant blast of color and shape. This is also how she deals with her nightmares and the fact that Danny – who was the one friend she had before Dash came along – “disappeared.” They’re not always pretty drawings. Sometimes they’re dark. Sometimes they’re abstract. But they _always_ say something important. Remember that.

As I’ve said before, Jazz is extremely analytical, especially where people are concerned. She’s an observer. Quiet, unobtrusive, and easy to overlook. But she’s always watching. It’s a defense mechanism that she’s developed since going to school. If you watch the kids around you, it’s easier to figure out when they’re ready to strike, to throw rocks or insults or even say things when they think you’re not paying attention. So that’s what Jazz does. She watches. As her parents devolved and cycled into abuse, the skill started getting translated to the adults in her life. Adults are harder to read sometimes, and she doesn’t always get the exact reason _why_ they do something right, but Jazz has gotten pretty solid at knowing when a grown-up is _going_ to do something.

It's a blessing and a curse. Because even though she’s desperate for someone, _anyone_ , to love her, she’s automatically distrustful of anyone she comes into contact with. And that distrust tends to stick because she’s come to the very distressing conclusion that people are fucking _awful_ , that they lie, that they cheat, and it's best to stay wary of them. This kid is _six_ , guys, what the fuck have I done?

That being said, once she gets past the initial wariness of a person, Baby Jazz grows attached quickly. Case-in-point is Vlad. Holy shit, these two. . . these two could take over the world if Jazz would get on board. Because even though Vlad is very much a scheming douche-nozzle, it’s hard to do anything evil when you’ve got forty whole pounds of disgruntled six-year-old staring up at you and saying, “Papa Vlad, that’s stupid, doesn’t make any sense, and is _mean_ , what’re you doing you limp noodle?!” That being said, pranking the staff is their favorite pastime. Not _mean_ pranks, usually. Stupid ones. Ones that don't actually hurt anyone. Vlad using his invisibility to sneak them into rooms to rearrange things maids have just cleaned. Stuffing shaving cream into vacuums. That sort of thing. One of Jazz's greatest joys in life is being the one that Vlad hands the phone off to when telemarketers call and he doesn't want to deal with them.

She's always polite, always professional, but my _God_ those telemarketers have no idea what to do with her when she's channeling the definition of Chaotic Good. 

Vlad pulls Jazz out of her shell. Jazz keeps Vlad from being a raging creep-monster. It’s a pretty good balance.

So, yeah, Ravenclaw. Soft Ravenclaw. Sweet Ravenclaw. Protect this Ravenclaw, she deserves it, Maddie, you fucking hack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know the drill, children!
> 
> Leave me a comment or leave me a kudos. 
> 
> But for the love of fucking God, leave me something.


	5. Vladimir Masters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which. . . 
> 
> It's Vlad, guys, and I'm fucking predictable, give me a break.

. . . it was in that moment, the author knew. . .

she was fucking obvious.

Okay, so being a Slytherin myself, I can tell you with absolute clarity and certainty that this bastard is just the _worst_ sort of representation for our House. For real. He’s on that Draco Malfoy “I’ve got money and you’re the scum of the earth, look how weak your mental prowess is” power-trip that makes normal fucking Slytherins want to facepalm. He’s the fucking Stereotype. You know – he’s _that bitch_. The one who thinks he’s real fucking smooth but, in reality, trips over his mental shoelaces anytime he tries to do something sneaky. There is no true cunning here for any extensive amount of time. Just sneaky bullshit and pay-offs, mostly. It’s fucking lazy. I do not like it.

So I took that whiny, over-obsessed bastard from canon – who had all the potential in the world to be _The_ Boss – and made him tolerable. Mostly. Kinda. Look, he’s still a bastard but he’s kind of got some redeeming qualities in this, don’t look at me. I do that with villains. Because fuck you.

Vladimir Masters is the most Russian motherfucker _ever_ in this AU. His parents came to America - because, um, no, fuck the communists - and he was raised in the United States from the time he was eight. That being said, he was clever, quick on his feet, and _incredibly_ socially awkward. So even though his parents didn’t speak a lick of English, he picked up the language and fucking _ran_ with it. His teachers loved him despite the occasional fidgeting problem – his brain was always going in thirty different directions, so it was hard to keep still – and he learned quickly. He became obsessed with football because it was the most American thing he could think of that wasn't baseball. Which is boring as fuck when played professionally. 

Math, science, history, languages, political science – if he weren’t That Bitch, Vlad would make a hell of a Ravenclaw, let me tell you. But, alas, he decided very early on that he was going to _be_ someone. It was going to be a thumb in the eye to every guy who’d ever shoved him into his locker, to every girl who’d laughed at him, to everyone who’d ever disregarded the strange Russian student as being too strange or not worth anything. He’s a bitter, angry man because he was a scorned, angry child. Understandable, sympathetic, and still fucking annoying.

Growing up in Wisconsin, as you do when you’re a poor Russian immigrant (idk, I just needed a reason for him to be obsessed with the Packers), his only friend was another outcast from Arkansas who moved in during the sixth grade. Madeleine Williams – the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen in his entire life. _Ever_. She was the first person to ever willingly be his friend without wanting something from him. Not his grades or his binder or even a pencil. Maddie just wanted to be his friend.

And there, ladies and germs, is where the obsession began.

So baby Vladimir grew up. Maddie grew up. Vladimir was absolutely head-over-heels, would do anything to please. Maddie was fucking oblivious (or was she?). They went to the University of Wisconsin together. And that’s when the problems began.

They met Jack Fenton at a frat party.

Nothing was ever the same.

Because Vlad could still be such an awkward motherfucker, he tried to be friendly with Jack for Maddie’s sake. He put up with the lack of volume-control. He put up with the bumbling. He put up with the fact that the man just _did not_ know when to stop touching people, please, Jack, he just wants some space? For, like, two whole seconds? He even put up with the fact that his fucking GPA suffered from trying to keep Jack from blowing up the science lab during his bullshit experimentation procedure. Safety is _first_ , Jack and Maddie, not fucking _twelfth_. Through all that, he kept a smile and stayed for Maddie. Because he loved her. It’s another Slytherin quality, dealing with bullshit you don’t enjoy just because you love someone instead of standing up against it. That would be against his self-imposed rules. 

And then the accident happened.

Vladimir’s parents had already died at this point – his father when he was twelve, his mother his senior year (cancer’s a bitch) – so there was literally _no one_ to help him, financially or otherwise. Maddie and Jack stopped visiting after about a month or so because they're oblivious assholes. So for the next _three years_ , he suffered the effects of ecto-radiation poisoning alone. Well, relatively alone. The nurses tried to help but he didn’t want their help. Fuck you, Deborah, I’ll do it myself. He struggled and clawed and studied his ass off, both academically and by testing his new powers, trying to give himself solid ground to stand on when he got discharged. Because he was (and still is) a little shit, his favorite thing to do was prank the psych patients. Which _isn’t funny_ , Vlad, what the actual fuck is wrong with you?!

But, when he finally was deemed fit enough to leave the hospital, Vladimir Masters was ready to fuck some shit _up_. He started Dalv Corp with funds he’d stolen from banks and other corporations across Wisconsin; however, once his company began to flourish, he began slowly replacing the money he’d stolen. Every penny. With interest. He’s a manipulative, obsessive hoe, but his mama would have skinned him for stealing. There are standards, people. Remember, Slytherins might say fuck your rules, but their own rules are sacred. This is one of Vlad’s rules: we do not _steal_ , we creatively _borrow_ and repay in full. Thieves are weak-willed cowards, and he might not be particularly brave, but he’s not a coward.

As he grew more financially powerful in the human world, Vlad’s power grew in the Ghost Zone, too. His first few excursions were, hmm, interesting to say the least. Because _holy shit_ there are some weird-ass people and terrifying creatures in the Ghost Zone. Since he’d been the main contributor to the development of the initial portal technology, Vladimir had built his own full-sized version within a year or so of making his money. Because of this, he was going on big trips into Zone _way_ before Maddie or Jack even thought about building their own portal to study ghosts. He learned Esperanto just as quickly as he’d learned other languages to give himself a leg-up in dealings with sentient ghosts. His empire grew quickly because he was willing to crush a few skulls and Fade a few fuckers to get what he wanted. Information, territory, weapons, etc.

It goes without saying, but he and Walker fucking hate each other. They hate each other a _lot_.

Now, out of all that, you would think that Vladimir had no fucking life or soft spot. You’re right about the first part, wrong about the second. Allow me to explain. Vladimir is a diligent, intelligent, hard-working man. He’ll spend close to 80 hours in the office or in the lab on any given week (before adopting Jazz, of course) and expects the highest standards from his staff. But he’s also the kind of boss who will give you, like, six whole months of paid maternity and/or paternity leave and send extravagant baby-shower gifts without blinking. His assistants all have a love-hate relationship with him. Like, he works them half to death, and they’d better be ready to get a call from the boss at two a.m. But at the same time, he pays well, never gives super unreasonable requests, and his recommendations are always personalized and _beautiful_. Like holy fuck. Jan from Accounting got a personalized recommendation from Vladimir goddamn Masters sent out on lavender-scented stationary that probably cost more than my _car_. 

He also likes to _think_ he isn’t a kid person. But he is. He completely is. He once spent the whole Christmas party playing on the floor of his office with one of the secretary’s nine-month-old baby instead of speaking with the Very Important shareholders mingling outside. In a Hermes suit. Vladimir gives _no fucks_ sometimes, and his staff is Concerned.

After gaining his money, he’s a bougie motherfucker. Stupid expensive alcohol is one of his passions. Wine, whiskey, bourbon, vodka – if it contains alcohol, he’s gonna be a snob about it. Particularly red wine. He collects anything and everything to do with the Packers. Except the actual Packers because Green Bay said “fuck you” and wouldn’t sell. His library is absolutely _huge_ , full of first-editions and ghost lore that would make any literary scholar cream their pants.

And then there’s Jazz.

We have found the ultimate soft-spot, folks. Because, holy shit, this little human? Likes him? And she’s all sad and smart? He’s gotta protect her. That’s it. That’s how it starts. And Vladimir is a _spoiler_ , let me tell you. Jazz says she wants a pony? Alright, small baby, we’ll get you the prettiest damn ponies on the planet, more than one because you’re precious. You want a story? Fuck yeah, let’s read some magic ghost books that projects art. You’re tired and don’t want to walk anymore? Alright, I will carry you everywhere, even to my office, who the fuck needs school? What little shit made you cry? I’ll bury their parents, I swear to God.

He is vicious Dad. Slytherin Dad. Crunchy, touch-starved, prank-pulling Dad.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second verse same as the first. 
> 
> Now put me down a comment or I'll put you in a hearse. . . 
> 
> Not really, but still. Leave me a comment. They make my Slytherin need for external validation go away momentarily.


	6. Bertrand/Calder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the author FINALLY manages to shock a bitch or two. . . 
> 
> By stating the Creepiest Motherfucker is in the same House as Baby Danny.

Alright, kiddies, buckle the fuck in ‘cause this is about to be a _ride_.

NOW, since introducing Bertrand as a Big Bad in this universe, I have read many comments about how creepy he is. Also, many comments about how many would love to fucking merk him. And these are all valid comments, you beautiful people. He’s an abusive dick and the kind of crazy person that gives people with mental health disorders a bad rep. Because of all this, most people who I’ve introduced the character in my personal life to think he’s a Slytherin.

And they’re wrong.

Bertrand – who I will be referring to as Calder for the rest of this analysis – is what happens when you take a Hufflepuff and completely fuck them in the head-brain. Which sounds really fucking trippy and I can hear the mental chaos from here, so allow me to explain my position.

I'm going to start by saying that Calder is absolutely fucking _ancient_ for a sentient/human ghost. Most ghosts will move on to whatever place they’re going (Fade, in laymen’s terms) around the three-hundred-year mark. Because, let’s face it, the Ghost Zone is fucking terrifying and they’re probably Over It by that point. Calder, however, just. . . _isn’t_. His personality is such that he finds the chaos and the overwhelming emotion of the Zone comforting. It’s easy for him to slip into the shadows, let the ghosts that are most definitely _not_ people swarm, and wait until the right person comes along. Also keep in mind that ghosts are kind of like reptiles in terms of power: the longer one lives, the bigger it grows. The bigger it grows, the stronger it is.

He’s a fucking _powerhouse_ at this point. But he doesn’t like to _show it_.

Another thing to note about Calder is that his physical malleability has negatively impacted his psyche over the years. Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Because he has all this power at his fingertips – morphing or otherwise – he has complete confidence in himself as a protector or confidant. It’s taken a man who was already dangerously overconfident and turned him into this absolute _beast_ that not only will rip your guts out through your nose, but will tell you how to fix yourself while he does it. He can be terrifying. Or he can be beautiful and charismatic. His smile can either be charming or full of teeth that make you choke on your asshole. His manipulation skills are on point.

“But author,” you cry, “aren’t Slytherins the ones that are good at manipulating people?!”

Yes – Slytherins _do_ tend to be charming and manipulative to get what they want. Calder displays a lot of these traits. He’s well-spoken and capable of holding his own in a debate even though his logic is absolutely fubbernucking skewed. He’s intelligent, well-read (somehow), and absolutely fucking _delightful_ when he decides to try. It doesn’t help that the fucker can morph into something goddamn beautiful or horrifying depending on his mood. But, despite all this, he’s really not a Slytherin. He’s got definite Slytherin traits, yes; however, his overall personality doesn't really fit into that house.

So here’s the real tea: he doesn’t think of all these things as _self-serving_.

A Slytherin absolutely fucking knows they’re being a bastard. I have moments all the time where I’m like, “this is mean, but I want this thing, and they’re in my way, so fuck ‘em” and keep doing whatever it is I'm doing. A Slytherin can be persuaded away from what they’re doing because, ultimately, they’re self-aware enough to diagnose their bullshit.

Calder, Bertrand, whoever the fuck he is? He doesn’t have that. He truly believes that when he does something, even if it's absolutely fucking _horrible_ , it’s for the good of whoever he chose in that moment. Think of the way that he interacts with Penelope. Everything he does is ultimately centered around her, albeit in a strange, roundabout way. Why does he hate Danny and Walker? Because they divert Penelope’s attention away from him, and because of that, he can’t make her stronger. Why does he abuse her (not that he’d ever call it that)? Because pain is power, and the power will ultimately make her less vulnerable. Why does he feed on emotions? Because if you don’t have emotions, you don’t have a weakness.

Hufflepuffs are the emotional ones, and not in the volatile way that Slytherins or Gryffindors can be. They tend to be empathetic, loyal, and steadfast in what they do. Calder/Bertrand is all of those things, but in just the absolute _worst_ way. He is empathetic, can detect any emotions and knows how they work, and he twists/feeds on those to benefit both him and the victim. He’s loyal to the point of obsession, fixating on a single person until the whole universe revolves around them. Betraying them would never be taken into consideration. He’s steadfast in the fact that if he believes something? That’s it. There’s really no changing his mind. And if he believes in _someone_ , he’ll go to the greatest lengths possible to ensure that they’re going to succeed in what they want. He also has an _intense_ moral compass, even though it’s not actually right.

It’s terrifying. Because here is this eldritch, ancient man who has all this power, who is doing things you _don’t want_ and won’t listen because he’s trying to help you, motherfucker. It’s like a demented “mother knows best” scenario and mentality. He genuinely believes that this is what’s best for you, right down to the center of his core. If you like what he's doing, great. Because, shockingly enough, he is capable of doing some pretty soft things. If you don't? Well, he knows best, so your opinion on the matter is cute, but unnecessary. 

Penelope being an actual bad-bitch makes more sense now, huh?

Altogether, I don’t want to give _too much_ away about Bertrand/Calder right now. We haven’t gotten deep enough into the story for that. But, yeah.

Hufflepuffs are quite possibly the most _terrifying_ villains you can have in fiction. And I tried to convey that here as much as possible. But if I’ve missed the mark so far, it will get clearer soon.

Trust me – I know what’s best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO. 
> 
> Who saw that coming? Anyone? Anyone at all? If you did, fuck you. Not really, but I'm glad that I managed to convey it enough for you guys to see that if so. 
> 
> And if you didn't, that's fine, too.
> 
> Please, leave a comment and tell me what you guys think!


	7. Madeleine Fenton

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Maddie Fenton - or the author's version of her - makes the author angry.
> 
> And is the most fucked-up Ravenclaw since Ultron.

. . . it took me a long time to write this because I made myself angry.

Science is important. Knowledge is _important_. But the most important thing about knowledge, something I think that we sometimes forget, is exactly how we utilize what we have learned is what ultimately matters. The same scientists who created the atomic bomb created the technology we use today to develop radiopharmaceuticals, nuclear energy, and radiation safety parameters that help millions of people daily. Think about that for a second. The same group, Robert J. Oppenheimer and all those who worked on the Manhattan Project, who developed a weapon that killed literal _thousands_ in an instant, helped give us the technology to see if your loved one’s cancer has gone into remission. It’s all about how you use what you learn.

Facts can’t do harm. People do harm. Scientists who have no moral compass do harm.

Madeleine Fenton is one of those scientists who absolutely, one-hundred-percent, is a scientist in that department. Like, holy shit.

Now, I actually like Maddie in canon. She’s extremely intelligent (if a little clueless at times), caring, and could actually kick your ass without thinking twice. Her complete and total inability to consider ghosts being anything other than evil always irritated me, though, not to mention her lackadaisical approach to basic safety measures when it comes to her work impacting her kids. Seriously, guys, _lock the fucking lab_ , you have _teenagers_ in your home. Jesus Christ, it’s not hard!

But Madeleine? Baby Danny’s mother?

She’s all the intelligence, all of the kick-your-ass, and absolutely _none_ of the caring.

Now, many would classify this Maddie as a Slytherin. It’s a knee-jerk reaction, I understand. But allow me, a Slytherin (who is a self-admitted asshole), to enlighten you to the fact that not all bad people are from our house. Look at Bertrand! He’s from the sweetest, most loyal, beautiful-bean house ever. And he’s an absolute _monster_. Madeleine is one of those strange bad people who comes from Ravenclaw. The house of learning, wisdom, and logic. She fucking broke logic.

What the fuck, Maddie.

The thing about this Maddie isn’t that she’s just your run-of-the-mill mad scientist. You know the type. Kind of like Technus? The ones with crazy hair and crazier eyes and a laugh kids imitate on the playground? Maddie is that scientist who follows all the procedures, knows all the statistics, checks and re-checks all of her data-points to the point of obsession. There are no mistakes (in her mind) and her process is flawless. However, her logic – if you can call it that – is skewed. Her morals? Almost fucking non-existent. She won’t laugh and tell you about a manic plan she’s concocted. She won’t monologue for three hours and give the hero time to come save your stupid ass.

No – Maddie Fenton will vivisect you with a curious expression, ignoring you while you scream and annotating her findings in a digital recorder.

Ravenclaw is a house, much like Hufflepuff, that gathers a _bunch_ of. . . eclectic individuals, shall we say. They tend to be analytical, perfunctory, and possess a somewhat neutral disposition. They are the Obi-Wan Kenobis of Hogwarts, the negotiators, the neutral mediators. Because of that, their moral compasses can end up a bit wonky if they don’t receive proper direction from an early age. When this happens, when a Ravenclaw goes bad, their motivations are _so_ different from any of the other houses. A Slytherin does things for personal gain. A Gryffindor does things out of a sense of moral righteousness. A Hufflepuff does things for the benefit of those around them, whether that be a specific person or a favored group.

Ravenclaws? You don’t know what the fuck they’re doing anything for. Usually, they’ll give some sort of vague answer that basically equates to “fuck you” in nerd.

Most of what Maddie is doing in the story is because she perceives – which is _incredibly_ important to a Ravenclaw, their perception of logic and the world around them – a ghost has taken her youngest son. And she isn’t upset so much that they “took” Danny, or that she “lost” Danny. Maddie is upset that she didn’t _notice_. She didn’t have the opportunity to study whatever creature was capable of getting past their security measures and activate the portal. There’s truly no moral outrage, no motherly instinct to get her son. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have them. It’s more of an intense need to understand _how_ the ghost could have done this.

Do you now see how I made myself fucking angry?

Maddie is essentially what can go wrong when giving someone with no moral compass excessive intelligence, funds, and access to laboratory equipment. Vlad and Jack never saw what the world at large saw when they met her. All they could see was a beautiful, intelligent, driven young woman who could have the world at her feet if given the opportunity. They couldn’t see the hyper-focused, morally bankrupt, _psychopath_ that actually lived beneath her bright smiles and positive attitude.

Okay, so I say morally bankrupt. In actuality, Maddie isn’t so much morally bankrupt as she is just unable to understand them? Like, I want to _know_ this and the only way I can do that is by tearing this screaming monster apart while it’s alive, what do you mean that’s wrong? She just doesn’t grasp the concept that vivisecting living creatures – of which there is debate concerning sapience – is wrong in any way because she doesn’t think of them as sentient beings. Because it isn’t sentient, it doesn’t really _matter_ that she’s ripping open a living (sort of) thing and ripping out its internal organs. While conscious. It’s a fucking, just, horrifying thing to watch and discover. Because, in all reality, you would _never know_ what Maddie was truly capable of just having a normal conversation with her. She seems so normal, so average, albeit on the quirky side.

After Danny’s “disappearance” was when Maddie’s overall disposition began to more accurately reflect her true personality. It seemed a bit of a stretch for some when I first introduced the character that she would go from loving (if a bit negligent) parent to an abuser in the span of only a few months. And, for someone with a stable moral compass, you would be correct. It would take more pressure than what was inflicted on Maddie to break any of the other personality-types I’ve listed thus far in the story, to make them completely turn their backs on someone they were meant to love.

Maddie, however, is hyper-focused. She fixates. Whatever doesn’t fit into that current obsession – in this case, the ghost that thwarted her security measures and “took” Danny – is immediately tossed to the wayside. If it continues to get in her way or take her attention/energy away from her work, it becomes an annoyance. Continue past the annoyance point and we have Maddie in rare form: _furious_. It’s in her way, it doesn’t see the innovation and logic in her new reality, and she’s got to _get rid of it_.

Hence why Jazz was treated so poorly. She kept asking questions, kept refusing to accept her mother’s simplistic answer of “the ghosts took Danny but you can’t tell” and because of that, Maddie began to transition from annoyance to furious. It resulted in many, many poor confrontations. And because Jazz refuses to accept her explanations like Danny would have done, she automatically becomes the lesser child, despite being the only child Maddie has left.

For a Ravenclaw like Jazz, soft-spoken and introspective, her mother’s swift transitions from abstract to abstract are really jarring, especially since she’s only a child. Children can’t understand the motives of a woman who would vivisect a living creature. _Adults_ can’t understand motives like that. It’s all very confusing and frightening for her.

A sane person would call her actions absolutely unacceptable. The lovely, sane people who took Jazz out of her and Jack’s care did so. Maddie, however, is a Ravenclaw. Her motivations and resulting actions seem perfectly rational to her. The rest of the world is wrong. Because of this, the hyper-fixation on finding Danny also includes making others see what she sees. They need to know what she knows, that her baby _was_ taken by a ghost and she can _prove it_.

Goddammit, Maddie, no you fucking can’t. You just _can’t_. Because I made you a monster and now I’m fucking angry with myself. And you. And existential nihilism. What the fuck, author?

Basically, Maddie is like the scientist version of Heath Ledger’s Joker. She would rather watch the world _burn_ than allow people (and ghosts) to continue the way they are without seeing her logic. It’s illogical. It’s horrifying.

It’s really, really cunty, Maddie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for taking the time to go through my bullshit ramblings! It means a lot, truly. Chime in with your own thoughts about these character breakdowns! I'd love to see them. And if you haven't already, go ahead and check out the first story in this series "Danny Died" because these will make so much more sense if you do. 
> 
> Once again, thank you so much, and I hope to see you in the next one!!


	8. Taylor Walker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which. . . 
> 
> Taylor is not what he seems (i.e. a Hufflepuff instead of a Gryffindor) and the Author FINALLY gets her shit sorta somewhat together. . . 
> 
> Now with extra angsty backstory!!

Okay, so this one _might_ just be a little jarring to some of you guys. And that’s perfectly fine! It was a little jarring to me when everything boiled down. But hear me out and then decide for yourself whether or not I’m a maniac.

(Spoilers: I kind of am either way.)

So let’s get this car-wreck on the road because y’all didn’t come here for my shitty sense of humor.

Youngblood was another one of those characters that I feel was greatly under-utilized in the original Danny Phantom cartoon. Why you might ask? Well, because he was a _child_. There are many theories and speculations that Youngblood was in all reality an adult who chose to masquerade as a child (which opens up a FUCKTON of icky questions, but I digress). However, I’m of the school of thought that Youngblood was Butch Hartman’s version of Peter Pan. Who was a murderous, kind of evil little shit in the book, like oh my God he needed to chill? Either way, he could have been an interesting take on exactly _how_ death affects a child in the Danny Phantom universe.

But this was a children’s cartoon so. . .

Fuck you, I’ll do what I want.

Taylor is pretty much the same as he is in canon, just a little bit more fleshed out and less overtly villainous. Well, as villainous as a permanent ten-year-old could be.

But author, you all scream, what does any of this have to do with him being a Hufflepuff?

Patience, young padawans, I will explain all.

Taylor’s personality is a strange dichotomy of traits, which I like to explore in any character I write about. He’s outgoing and brash, not particularly good with tact, and he is absolutely enthralled with the thought of adventure. He tends to leap before he looks – but, really most little boys are that way – and sometimes has problems with volume control. Most who know him would classify Tay as “incredibly resilient” because he appears to spring back from things that would set others back by a wide margin, including things like losing limbs. And, to a degree, that’s true. Despite all his years and experience in the Ghost Zone, Taylor is still in his core a child. And children are _so_ resilient.

But. . . Taylor also suffers from anxiety. Which seems counter-intuitive but hear me out. Taylor has an extroverted personality. He’s intelligent, if not always quick on his feet, and always excited for a new adventure. However, on the inside, he’s constantly second-guessing himself. What if I’m being annoying? What if this person doesn’t actually like me? What if I’m not doing the right thing? What if, what if, what it?

It’s the “what if’s” that set everything apart.

He’s precocious and stubborn, but Taylor also suffers from an intense need for external validation. He wants to do things _his_ way, but he needs you to tell him that his way is the right way, even if he knows that it might not be. It can be a deadly combination, and all this stems from his life before the Ghost Zone.

Again, how does this equate to him being a Hufflepuff? Why is he not a Gryffindor?

Now, Taylor has been one of the hardest characters to Sort because he is _such_ a collection of different characteristics. Not that the others aren’t, of course. But his collection is kind of like the shit that Ariel collects in _The Little Mermaid_ – it’s messy, it’s eclectic, and the pieces don’t exactly fit together in one cohesive puzzle. But it’s all unequivocally _Taylor_. The anxiety and the grins and the shouts and the hugs.

But there’s one characteristic about Taylor that makes him absolutely a Hufflepuff – he’s a ride-or-die.

This little ten-year-old boy would die again (and again, and again, and again) to keep one of his family or friends safe. He’s brash and he’s anxious but holy shit, do not screw with his family. Now, this could also be a Gryffindor trait; however, it’s the motivation behind it that really sets them apart. Jeremiah, the consummate Gryffindor of the Walker clan, would die for someone because fuck you, killing someone is wrong and I’m not gonna give your ass the satisfaction of taking out this person.

Taylor, on the other hand, would die again just for the simple reason that he wants to _protect you_.

We discussed in Calder/Bertand’s section about how Hufflepuffs are always motivated by others. They protect, they defend, they support. Whether or not this is a healthy function all depends on the individual. But that’s the gist of a Hufflepuff’s nature. They’re the quiet defenders, the ones who have _always_ got your back, no matter what you’re up against.

Taylor is the kid who will punch your bully in the face, smile at you, and offer his cookies.

Don’t fuck with him – his best adult friend gave him an ion canon for an arm.

Now, we haven’t particularly discussed what’s shaped Tay’s personality here. SO – sit back and read the Tragic Backstory™ so you’ll understand a bit more, ‘kay?

Taylor grew up as an only child to a wealthy married couple in the 80’s. He was the stereotypical only child in that he was spoiled _shitless_ materialistically. However, neither of his parents were particularly. . . good at being parents? Like, they loved him. Neither of them could be considered traditionally abusive in any way. However, they weren’t very forthcoming with affection. No hugs, no kisses, just the occasional pat on the shoulder or head if he’d done something particularly impressive at school. Which is Not Okay in Tay’s book – the boy needs _cuddles_ , dammit. Taylor’s father was a high-level stockbroker and his mother owned her own interior design business. They were fucking _busy_ and they just Did Not Have Time to deal with their only child’s antics.

So he got foisted off on nannies. And when they inevitably quit - because, holy shit, this kid was like Sirius Black on steroids with the pranking/boundary-pushing – his parents just moved forward and got another nanny. They always chalked his behavior up to a nanny’s inability to deal with their child. They never took into consideration that it was _them_ , that Taylor was just trying to get their attention.

The inattention is something that Taylor still struggles with. It’s part of the reason he’s got such an in-your-face personality. He thinks if he stays loud, stays interesting, you can’t leave him high and dry like Mom and Dad did all those years ago.

Taylor died in a collision with a drunk driver. But not in the traditional way, you see. He’d had a concert of some sort – ask him and he won’t remember – and his parents had only arrived at the very end. So what does an angry, emotionally stunted, touch-starved ten-year-old boy do? He picked a fight. Then, when he didn’t get the response he wanted, Taylor did the one thing his overly energetic body could do.

He ran.

Ask him, and Taylor will tell you the only thing he remembers about dying is bright lights and screaming. He will say it was high and squealing screams. The sound of rubber on asphalt. And he’ll say the lights looked like two suns. Too big and too bright. He doesn’t remember running towards his father’s fancy SUV. He doesn’t remember his mother rolling his eyes and half-heartedly shouting after him to walk like a young gentleman.

He doesn’t remember the drunk driver careening into the side of the SUV.

He doesn’t remember his mother screaming or his father crying for help. 

He doesn’t remember anything but those lights, squealing tires, and pain.

Taylor does, however, remember waking up in his Papa’s office with no arm or leg. He also remembers getting told he was dead and crying because _what does that even mean?_

It’s funny – no one ever thinks about your death being a personality-changing event. But for Taylor? It was absolutely _catastrophic_.

He still has nightmares about bright lights. High-pitched, squealing noises – rubber on asphalt – send him into panic-attacks. And he died thinking that his mom and dad didn’t _really_ love him. So he pushed and he pushed and he _pushed_ Walker in the beginning. Every trick in the book, even with partial prosthetics for the first couple of months. Because why would this strict, grumpy cowboy dude be any different than any of the others?

Except he _was_.

It took exactly two years to break Taylor because Puffs are _stubborn_ , holy shit.

But Walker did it. And Taylor finally had a Papa he could really believe loved him.

That’s part of the reason he’s so protective of Danny – he never wants another kid to feel like he did. So he tries to be quiet even though it makes him anxious and does what Danny wants even though he _really_ likes pirates better. He wants to be the backup, the best big Bro he could possibly be. It’s also why he took to Penelope so quickly. Yeah, she’s kind of sarcastic and prickly – so’s Em and she’s the best – but she also told him he was a good big brother, let him snuggle her, and never made him feel like he wasn’t good enough.

. . . I made this all _way_ too depressing.

Long in the short is, Taylor’s an extroverted ball of anxiety and he loves with his whole entire being. Such a good Hufflepuff he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment and tell me what you think!!


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